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My "Canadian Friends"

Note the scare quotes in the title of this post.

Remember when I noted my bout of drunkeness at the writing retreat? Well, my sister told my dad. My dad told my mother, and I got a phone call asking how my trip to Canada was.

After a period of time, my mother nerved herself up to broach the subject, and said, "So I hear you had a fun time with your Canadian friends."

Me, clueless: Yeah, pretty good time.

Mom: I heard you were up to some....interesting escapades with those "Canadian friends."

Me, wracking my brain and wondering if you can call writing every day in your room an interesting escapade: I guess I wrote a lot.

Mom: That's not what I heard. I heard you got in a little bit of trouble with your "Canadian friends."

Me, imagining Dave and Laurie and Peter and Sara: Um, no, not really.

Mom: You were talking a bit oddly with your "Canadian friends."

Me (things are starting to dawn): Mom, what Canadian friends are you talking about?

Mom: Rum.

Me: Oooooooohhhhh. (pause) There was no rum. (ed: This is strictly true.) There was Baileys and port. (ed: No, not in the same glass. Ick. Peter saved that experiment for later in the week, and man, was THAT vile.)

Mom: Uh huh.

Me: There were no escapades. I drank a lot of water and was sleepy. That's all that happened.

Mom: That's not what I heard.

Me: And I called a few people. But really, I had a lot of water and nothing happened.

Mom: (very skeptical) You were pretty plastered from all reports.

Me: I threw up a little.

Mom: I worry about you.

Me: Well, I haven't done it since. (ed: Also true.)

Mom: Well, I hope you've learned your lesson.

Me: I think so. (ed: Lesson learned. Don't drunk-dial your sister who will then fink on you to the 'rents. I called Rachel up and she confessed mentioning it to Dad in a conversation about learning from other people's mistakes. Woo hoo. And the family--or at least the older generation--remains convinced that my life outside of Utah is a drunken debauched swirl of hedonistic revelry and sin! I said to Rachel, "You know I don't drink very much." Rachel, innocently, "Yes, I don't know where Mom gets her ideas.")

...

Anyway, that's going into Lis's new book of parental euphemisms. "Canadian friends." It's not like what I was drinking was even particularly Canadian, except for being bought at a Canadian liquor store. Head-meets-desk.

I mean, this is the second time in my life I've drunk enough to throw up. The first time was in San Francisco, while I was dating Lee, and we were staying at Merrick's. Two times in six years I've been THAT drunk. Yeah. Woo. Raging alcoholic here.

Comments

( 23 comments — Leave a comment )
kadath
Aug. 21st, 2008 01:30 am (UTC)
The last time I talked to my parents, my Mom regaled me with stories of my Dad's drunk driving escapades during the 70s. Maybe if we hybridize them we'll end up with a happy medium.
pixelfish
Aug. 21st, 2008 01:37 am (UTC)
I'm dubious. Think of the other hybridizations that might occur. The Punnett's Square doesn't look so optimistic.
kadath
Aug. 21st, 2008 02:01 am (UTC)
Crossing my Mom's lack of conversational inhibitions with your Mom's sheltered Mormonism could only lead to hilarity!
eillwony
Aug. 21st, 2008 01:33 am (UTC)
LOL... ah parents. I think that I'm going to have to start calling all alcohol "Canadian Friends." ^_^
pixelfish
Aug. 21st, 2008 01:40 am (UTC)
This is my new goal...to introduce "Canadian friends" into the popular lexicon.
(Deleted comment)
pixelfish
Aug. 21st, 2008 01:48 am (UTC)
I think that would make her head implode.
xochipepe
Aug. 21st, 2008 01:48 am (UTC)
And the week after that tell her about your Mexican friends.
pixelfish
Aug. 21st, 2008 01:51 am (UTC)
The ones with the worm....?

Although I'm not sure she even knows about the worm.
(Anonymous)
Aug. 21st, 2008 02:27 am (UTC)
For god's sake, I hope you told them I was not involved in any way in this debauchery, would have surely prevented it had I known, etc. Otherwise, you're going to get me in trouble with the family, too.

Michael (aka, the cousin who introduced Lis to these shady characters)
pixelfish
Aug. 21st, 2008 02:29 am (UTC)
If she asks I will say you were far far far away. (In your room, for at least part of it.)

I don't think it occured to her that you were there. Just me and my "Canadian friend", Mr. Rum!
anothernathan
Aug. 21st, 2008 02:30 am (UTC)
When I was sixteen, my parents went out of town one weekend. I took advantage of their absence and hosted a keg party at our house. They called at about ten o'clock and the conversation went something like this:

Mom: It sounds awfully noisy there...what's going on?

Me: Mo-o-om! (three syllable whine), you knew I was having the guys from the A/V club over. You said O.K. (There were probably 200 people there.)

Mom: Well what are you doing? That's an awful lot of noise for 7 people.

Me: We were playing charades. Myron (I swear I'm not making him up), thinks everyone's cheating so he's arguing with Charlie.

Mom: Well it's getting late. You should send everyone home soon.

Me: 'K, Mom, G'night. ::Click::

Unless I was utterly clueless for the rest of my Mom's life, she bought all of that. For years, whenever there was a noisy conversation, she'd ask if my "A/V friends" were back. No allusion to 200 drunken teenagers.

I had a hard time keeping a straight face.
pixelfish
Aug. 21st, 2008 02:48 am (UTC)
I missed out on some classic experiences of suburban American youth, I can see that.

Your mum seemed awfully trusting. :)
neonowl
Aug. 21st, 2008 05:47 am (UTC)
*eye roll smiley... to the max!*

syz
Aug. 21st, 2008 08:13 am (UTC)
Some of the Utah Mormons I know have some pretty funny misconceptions about alcohol.

I've only ever thrown up from drinking twice in my life, as well...
msking
Aug. 21st, 2008 08:23 am (UTC)
My mom thinks I'm going to end up being a drunk when I buy wine coolers. She's not Mormon, so maybe it's a Utah mom thing?
catalytic
Aug. 21st, 2008 05:29 pm (UTC)
Considering what a lightweight I am, getting loopy on just a couple of beers, I find the euphemism of "Canadian Friends" rather hysterical. :-)

pixelfish
Aug. 21st, 2008 06:31 pm (UTC)
If it had been Crown Royal, at least it would have been more appropriate.
the__seeker
Aug. 21st, 2008 07:55 pm (UTC)
I've already been through alcoholism and to the other side. My mind is boggling at this post.
grumpymartian
Aug. 21st, 2008 08:49 pm (UTC)
OMG this is so hillarious. Rum (and not whiskey) being Canadian. Lis being a drunken hedonist. If I thought it would help I'd find a way to send your phone message to your mother to show how "wild and crazy" you are. I should probably mention that most people don't start drunk dialing calls with "Hi, I'm drunk dialing you because I understand that is the thing to do while drunk."

I know it won't help and somehow she'll hear a latex covered "Canadian Friends" having "Canadian Friends" fuled excapades with "Canadian Friends". Man it really does just slip in nicely as a replacement term for any sort of hedonistic activity. This might catch on.
pixelfish
Aug. 21st, 2008 10:08 pm (UTC)
I'm betting she picked rum as the culprit because that was the one beverage I asked my sister about two or three Christmases back.

I could always send my mom to the drunk-dial Utter I made. Mostly I just repeat myself a lot.
grumpymartian
Aug. 21st, 2008 10:32 pm (UTC)
Well, if you were really cruel. You could call up and say "Mom, I know this is going to be a huge disappointment to you, but I wanted you to hear it from me." Then take a really loud breath, and pause until she prompts you, and then say "This is really hard, especially after our "Canadian Friends" conversation. I don't want to worry you." and pause again, and finally after drawing this out as long as possible tell her, "I've started drinking... coffee."

Of course I'm still threatening to call my Mother-in-law and in a very off hand way mention "We brought the kids home today" when we finally decide to get goats...
pixelfish
Aug. 22nd, 2008 12:05 am (UTC)
Eeeevil.
sirenz
Aug. 22nd, 2008 11:30 am (UTC)
Oh my god, a 31 year old woman got drunk! While on vacation! Alert the media! No, no, the bishop! Should we stage an intervention? Call Rehab!

Utah Valley really is a bubble ...
( 23 comments — Leave a comment )

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